Enormous, Bloodthirsty Mosquitos Are Invading Florida

A massive breed of highly aggressive mosquitos known as “Gallnippers” have invaded central Florida, joining drug-addled cannibals, gun-wielding Neighborhood Watch members, and the entire city of Orlando as the newest argument for steering clear of the nightmarish, swamp-ridden den of nutjobs known as Florida.

The monster insects, which have an unusually painful bite and are roughly 20 times the size of normal mosquitos, are predicted to descend on the state in record numbers thanks to lastest Tropical Storm, a 2013 cyclone that caused extensive flooding and is yet another reminder to never go back to Florida.